My battle with anxiety.

Hello my loves ,I hope you are all safe and sticking to positives thoughts. So today’s post is going to be a little different ,I’m going to share something about me. I rarely get so personal with my posts but I figured out it would be nice to share this ,maybe it will shed some light to someone.

Anxiety is a mental disorder characterised by worries or fear enough to interfere with your mental health. I can’t really say I’ve been anxious all my life ,but I can trace some fragments of anxious episodes in my childhood. I can vividly remember during exams how my pulse would race and how my pen would slip off my fingers cause I would really sweat .I can also trace times when I’d do something wrong in the house and worry so much about my moms reaction and apparently she didn’t even lecturer me or even mention it .So it has gradually grown with age and I can’t really claim that it has affected me severely but it has affected my commutation,the way I approach situations,my character basically . You probably want to know if I still get anxious during exams yes I do !Haha .My pens still slip, I have to always carry some wet wipes or a hanky even during a C.A.T! It’s always that constant fear of failing and I don’t think there’s anyone not scared of failure.

What are the symptoms of anxiety ? So I’ll break them down into three according to my research .There’s behavioural,cognitive and whole body .

In behavioural there’s :irritability ,hyper vigilance and restlessness. Cognitive is about the brain,lack of concentration,racing thoughts ,unwanted thoughts and what happens to the body is mostly the sweating and the fatigue. Yes,I’ve experienced all this and it I hate it . Goddammit ,I’ve had anxiety attacks in the most weird places ,I recently had one by the road . Apparently I’m scared of many cars ,trucks to be specific ,and I also don’t like too much noise mostly if it’s from different sources ,so this one time, I’m walking by the road and I suddenly get anxious there’s too much noise ,every car is hooting ,now I suddenly notice all the cars on the road , I can even see it, how this car is going to knock me down and they rush me to the hospital and BTW why is that woman talking so loud? ,Before I realise it I am standing at the Same spot for like about 4minutes trying to figure out how to cross the road . I have never been scared like that I honestly think I would have passed out .

There are many things that have triggered my anxiety but the trophy goes to my anger issues . Well most of my friends would highly be against this cause I’m Just a short happy human being but you know they say “these short ones are always the short-tempered ones” ha! Pun intended. I’ve learnt to handle my anger issues after I once called out some girl in public after she accused me of misplacing a book she’d lent me .I just remember my hands trembling as I threw my Pens on the floor. I develop some sort of adrenaline that is only satisfied when I just let the anger out ,it’s either I throw something ,break something ,hit something ,shout at someone or eventually just distance myself from people until it’s off .

With much been said ,this fear of loosing control develops profound anxiety . Take a scenario where your parent is giving you some hot lecturer on something wrong you did ,and you boil up ,you want to give a piece of your mind but that’s disrespectful ,so you wait until its over and you are now in your room,you keep on replaying it your head and the adrenaline builds up slowly ,and your whole body is craving for some satisfaction ,you want to throw that phone but it’s the only one you got,you want to scream but no one wants to end up in an asylum,so what do you do ?you just sit there with racing thoughts,others piling up and so there’s a sort of imbalance of thoughts going on in there but you have to stay sane at the same time,draining huh?

But as I said ,there are different things that triggers it,I also get anxious before I stand before crowds .I literally squeeze the person seated next to me or sometimes I just start some off-key singing to help me calm down. But lately I’ve just been anxious about life everything about life ,but I just have my moment and move ,because everything will eventually fall into place .

You can handle anxiety but if symptoms persist seek medical attention. It’s also possible for you handle it on your own, you just have to learn to control your triggers. My major trigger is anger and when I feel it coming I try all possible ways to dodge it or use that energy positively. Normalize being calm ,try to organize your thoughts and a couple of deep breathes will help .

I’ve tried to mention a few scenes to make this short but point is,it’s not been easy and if you actually go through this ,just know that been calm should always be the first step you focus on,try to ease your heartbeat to normal and eventually you’ll be alright ,I promise.

I’m just not HER.

I am not HER.I’m Tracy not Stacy .

I don’t walk like her ,I don’t talk like her I don’t even dress like her!you want to know why ? because I’m simply not her !She likes her coffee white ,I like mine black .Boy , this is the third time I’m telling you son of a woman ,that I don’t love skirts but she ,she does loves skirts and dresses.She loves her lipstick Burgundy,I love mine nude and sometimes, black thick mate takes the day .She loves roses ,wait , do you even remember what I love ? I love sunflowers and Lillie’s .I have my quiet time under the skies ,she has hers under the sheets .I’m not shy but quiet around crowds ,I’m just always trying to figure out if they too revolve around the sun,if they too love the color of eyes and if they don’t I can now choose what to say and when to laugh .She loves crowds ,with her everything revolves around her . She will talk anywhere,laugh anywhere ,you see I’m just not her ,Boy.

I love my cologne minty and fruity ,but with hers’ you just can’t ignore it when she passes ,it does smell nice but it’s the type that irritates your nose to the spine. She enjoys a walk to the mall ,I love my walk in the park .I listen to LoFi when I’m sad,Kwaito and Afro beat when I’m having a good jammy day ,Gospel worship music when connecting with my maker,jazz on Monday blues and that walk to the park gets even better with some soulful trap music .Boy ,she loves Pop ..yeah pop and soft rock ,these two everywhere . Do I need to repeat that I’m not HER?

You see,I make erotic jokes when I’m wavy but she makes poetic puns. She loves bed games but I want the video games first . She is scared of heartbreaks ,I’m scared of spiders. She wants to talk about how she feels about you but I want to ask you why you like my nails long Or why your face looks pale or why you are so happy today .

She speaks English ,I speak pure cosmic and mathematics. When she is angry and sad she runs to you ,when I’m angry and sad , I ran away from both me and you .She wants to tell you every bit of her life ,I do 3/4 cause they say when you go to far you might end up drowning and I can’t swim .She was forever but look who’s here now?Let’s just call this wonderland, wonders and miracles,ha! promised land is always exaggerated. She made you smile ,I work towards that small little laughter. Boy,she will always tell you about her bright days but can we walk through my basement or rather your basement?

Before our skins collide,I’m only interested with the collision of the hearts, don’t know bout her and I don’t want to know but I hope that by now you already see that I’m not her and even if I had my coffee white and had my walk to the mall or even put on a dress,I still can’t and never will be Her.

2334hrs.

Present day Kenya.

It’s 2334hrs,and she is lying in the bath tub .Her heart is racing. She is not sure if it’s the song playing in her head or it’s just the glass of wine .

Her lungs are heavy, maybe it’s the few puffs she took,or maybe it’s just the glass of wine.

Never had wine taste like that before. Pure liquid flowing softly through her throat. So fulfilling she can’t let go of the glass.

It must be the wine. Who brought this wine btw?cause she sure is drowning and drowning . So magical she can’t feel her skin. It’s like beauty and chaos intertwined. Dripping from her lips ,she still can’t let go of the glass. Well,who said she is?

Too much to handle ,she pours it on her chest and it slowly flows down her skin. But she Is still not letting go of the glass. So now the wine is taking a walk on her skin and in her veins.

Never had a feeling like this ,so it’s 2347hrs and she is still dripping in wine. A little sad maybe?It’s the last glass of wine,the bottle is empty..And she is staring at the glass, maybe for the last time cause she has to let go now.

But oh the fine wine ,and the taste is all over her system,the veins already got it to the heart,and what gets to her heart stays in her heart. Trust me if the bottle is empty,the heaven’s gonna have to do some refilling cause they watched her taste it,and it made her whole. So why then should they let her lack?

With love~

Describe beauty in your language.

Hello world,

I love art,I love everything to do with art,be it drawing ,be it singing ,be it dancing,maiming,painting ,visual art ,retro ,aesthetic grunge and all form of art .But tonight I think I’ve never met any type of art that can be compared with the ‘Human Being’. And in my language ,art is beauty and a human being is beautiful. So today let’s take a walk in planet mind.😊

Pretty eyes,skin full of scars,pot holes in her heart,a voice that wakes buterflies to a world that even broken wings can fly. Beauty mind with a whole planet inside with dreams dancing slowly into reality.Isn’t this the purest form of beauty?

Small tiny smile,lost his heart in a world of stars but I think he found a replacement in a world where only the sun reigns.Heart of gold but I’m still mining, maybe he would shine his face to mine?but I don’t know his eyes to small he can’t find his way home.Isn’t this the purest form of beauty?

Large open hands so it’s easy to squeeze my tiny hands in them.Or maybe It’s safer inside his open chest and hands wide open,a whole island of mystery where you would wish to run with your shoes off. His mind an art store and his eyes a reflection of his lovely soul.Isn’t this the purest form of beauty?

And this human,a music room with sunflowers drawn all over the walls .So many broken mirrors on the ground .And I marvel at this skin filled with memories of war .A frozen heart with millions of fingerprints, but it melt every time this one smiles but sometimes not all the fingerprints fade away. but the soul,shining like the starry nights.Isn’t this the purest form of beauty?

He hasn’t opened his eyes ,since forever.And most of the time I spend with him.I cannot help but imagine what he sees inside there,and most of the time he would say he is blind but he can see.How do I forget his magical fingers and the magic he creates with the strings .And maybe sometimes he would say he sees what he plays .Isn’t this the purest form of beauty?

And you,you are beautiful aren’t you the purest form of beauty?😊

In sanity.

It’s not always a walk in the park,but I pray that when you get that chance to do so make sure the trees feel your presence. Make sure the birds flying up and down acknowledge your existence.

Make sure the butterflies fly your course . May the wind blow the peaceful breezes down your road and may the serenity guide you through the walk.

And as the beauty of nature guide your way. Seize that moment because you may never get that opportunity again. That one moment that the beauty of the racing thoughts in your mind will halt and the whole world will stop just to listen to your heart. Seize it darling, let them see listen to all you’ve been hiding all this while,because it might be the only time they will have the chance to..scream it all out and hold it at the palm of your hand,don’t throw it away no,give it to them or rather feed them,observe whether they will be able to chew it like you did and if they can’t then you do not deserve to keep it in there.

Just ..let.go.

I

Promise

You

Will

Be

Alright.

And if you also lost touch with promises like you’ve already lost touch with reality..maybe try a little touch of trust..if that is not enough..try a little touch of faith.. If it still not enough..touch your heart..it’s still beating right?..now that’s a touch of hope ..hope that there is a chance for a better start.

I pray that as you finish your walk in the park. May you grasp every sparkle of existence you can .

Do not loose yourself .

My little introspects.

First shot πŸ˜”πŸ”«,πŸ˜–πŸ”«second shot and I’m down holding on to this thirsty ground. I’m trying to wake up but I cannot.I am numb,I can’t feel a thing .I can’t feel my hands ,I can’t feel my bones and this ground …so still ,so welcoming It’s like it’s been waiting for me all it’s life.

Blood on my face, i’m a child of the fights.Fighting peace,fighting war,fighting love,fighting for hate,fighting success ,fighting failure, fighting immortality, fighting mortality,fighting death and fighting Life.

Shh..πŸƒπŸƒI hear voices in the ground, voices of those who have been here before,holding on to this same ground ,in this same state and are scared I’ll face the same fate they faced. These are victims of the ground’s lust for blood,lust for innocent souls who are afraid to face their fears and believe in themselves . Victims of the ground’s disappointment,because each and everyday it has to feed on a soul that died not because it couldn’t survive but because it didn’t believe it could. Cowards who failed but didn’t have the courage to try it again. Legends who grieve everyday because their names are being forgotten since no one is trying to make moves like or maybe greater than what they left above the ground.

Suddenly ,the voices fade away,my heart beats faster than before. I can’t understand what just happened,but all I know is that i’m not going to let this ground take me this easily. I am not ready to be forgotten,I am not ready to live ,I am no coward ,I’m not weak.

Sparks in my eyes,I’m a child of the flames. Chains off my feet,I burnt up the cages. ~Faith Kimani.

Fear;a child lost in the woods of disbelief,strength hidden at the core of its heart,where only the mind is afraid to reach. ~Faith Kimani

My body is full of anxiety ,I can now feel my bones,I can feel. I open my eyes ,and I’m still on the ground .I have this energy I can’t resist,I really want ignore the blood on face,I don’t even want to know how I landed on this ground,I know know one thing ,I can get back up again.

To wherever this feeling takes me,let it be said I tried to survive ,let the ground not feed on my weakness ,let every grain of sand respect what it will be offered when I breathe my last.πŸ’§

Happy New Year

Fikra.

“When I breathe my last ,write this poem on his skin with thorns and knives that cut so deep.”

“mheshimiwa’ his name but I’ts very tragic that ‘Heshima’was found dead last night on his doorstep. I’m really trying forget Ahadi’s story but all I know is she is missing .Oh,her kids,scars on their bodies,they are children of the blood,slaves to ‘maisha ngumu’ and ‘madeni’

And now Purity,how you loved the blue skies,how you loved the sun .I’m really trying to accept the fact that now..you are darkness. Three shades of black ;soul,body and mind. My naked eyes haven’t seen you for a while my friend but my ears have heard , stories of you naked .So now your brother ‘Raha’ is selling drugs for a meal? I am sad,I can’t take this ,maybe I should go take some shots because to tomorrow will be a long day,but not so long for another ‘Shot dead’ story on the headlines.

This is not all I’ve seen and heard. I’m just closing my eyes before they ache,trying to numb the feels but still feel and all these voices in my head,all these voices ,all these voices,all th…..ese…’help’ me.Cruel world ,ugly society,people need help.

I don’t know what to call this piece but I feel like so many things stand out in here but let me echo one thing “It’s no longer safe out here,look over your shoulder”.

Null.

And out of the blue skies and angel fell into my life. Deep into the abyss was a cage,a place I called home,no doors maybe walls and quiet halls. Let’s say a little bit of darkness and blurry visions or maybe let’s say I could not see. This was not the first one I’d encountered in my life you know,I’ve met a couple. Some ‘friends written on their faces, some ‘family’ written on their faces. So at some point ,I was not surprised,I was scared .For the ones I’ve met,they really did not help me out of here you know. They only let me see their pretty wings fly around me,only let me get a glimpse of freedom,left me wishing I was free,wishing I could see clearly,then suddenly flew away,and now I’m still here. .So I wasn’t afraid anyway..I knew the trend..so when this angel fell,I was just eazeh, was calm,was resigned but scared. Scared of going through the same thing again,scared because this angel looked different,scared because,it would just leave me here.

So yea,it looked different, sparkles of happiness all around .Positivity that tried to reap the chains of fear holding me in this place .So this angel flaps it’s wings slowly and slowly,happily,slowly it smiles ,and I can’t help but stare,my eyes glued,such a beautiful creature and I’m mussing and mussing. And each minute ,each second ,I spend on this creature gives me an urge to leave this place. I’m not sure if it will fly me off here but I feel like i’m growing wings too,I feel like I can fly to…let the journey begin.

Lost.

I’m going to be honest with all of you,I had intentionally abandoned this blog post,don’t ask me why,I also don’t know but umm..yea so I’m here again that’s what matters.

So warning,I’m writing this post in some completely mixed up feelings, so if you ain’t I’m the mood,I would advice you ,this ain’t the right time.

So,my hands are shaking, I’m filled with feels and chills,but ,imma type all that’s one my tongue and I can’t just let it all out at once. This is going to be wierd,let’s call this piece’in her darkest silence’

…all her mind knew was doors and walls,all her heart knew was cages and chains,and when she breathed her last,only her words grieved through the ages. Because only her words knew the pain only her words knew the struggles, only the words knew …her.

Who was her,who was she?.Maybe that is all she ever wanted to know. Under her beautiful small eyes,were dreams and visions but all this voices in her head slowly and slowly killed her in the inside,but she never realised.”Why am I scared”.If only she got the right person to answer this question, maybe she would be here,found and the world would be calling her the’lost child’.Why lost child?. She is here ain’t she?.yea but that’s life you know, come on.

Fear,was her friend ,maybe it was the only thing, she would embrace so confidently,in all her darkest silence,but wait…she was scared..scared of the light

Scared of darkness

Scared of happiness,

Scared of sadness,

Scared of hate

Scared of love,

Sacred of me,

Scared of you,

Scared of silence.

Scared that she was scared,how long will she be scared?.

Maybe attention is all she needed,with all the attention she got it felt like none.

Maybe she needed friends ,but with all the friends she had ,it felt like ‘none’

Maybe she needed love but with all the love around she felt like none.

Maybe she needed to feel,but with all the feelings inside she felt like numb.

None,none,numb.

And,maybe before she breathed her last,this is all she wished to say but didn’t,all she wanted you to feel but you did not .

“Kind of mood,that you wish you could sell…” .

A letter to you.

You at the corner of this silent room. Would you stop staring at me?Would you just give me a chance to breathe freely. Maybe I should close my eyes,but it’s the only way you can see through me. But this silence creeps me out,am I being paranoid?or can you really hear my heart beat?😡.But poor me you are not staring at me,I forgot there is someone sitting next just next to me,the room is crowded and I’m lost in my thoughts.

You there leaning at the piano,would you stop singing?Would you just keep let the melody play without your voice drowning me into lucid dreams and leading me to perfect illusions.Wait,why am I singing too?Why are we singing together?Why you holding my hand like I’m the perfect stranger,no wait you are my perfect stranger.Then the melody stops and you look me in the eyes,like you have known me all your life and all of a sudden the room is empty,I’m all alone,staring at this old piano.I can’t remember when you left the room,I didn’t even capture your name.Poor me,I’m left with one beautiful moment to remember,maybe I’ll meet you one day,or maybe it was just for that day.

You there,you there texting me,why can’t I stop smiling at everything you type?Are you the reason my heart hurts at every beautiful message I receive from you.It hurts because the curve they make on my face will not last,it’s just for a while.Why are happy times the shortest?I want to tell you yo stop now,but that might be the reason I’m actually smiling right now😦😜.So please keep typing,make me feel alive.

You there in my heart,please leave,I am tired of this torture .Can I be free and happy?…to be continued😝😝…